Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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