I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
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