24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Randomize
