I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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