I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
