I wish my penis had an off switch
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
