I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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