Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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