I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
