I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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