Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
