we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
