I could make wine with my vomit
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
