My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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