Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
