The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
it glows. i had to have it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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