Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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