When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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