I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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