God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Randomize
