Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
my poor anus
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
