I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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