i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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