Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
