What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
3pm strippers are depressing
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
