just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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