You made me cry and you don't even care
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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