My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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