He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
