She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
