so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
