a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize