the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
You can't special order awesome
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
