I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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