Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
