I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
