Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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