i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
