I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
