He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
