I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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