I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
