I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
