How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
