Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
