Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
