I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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