this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize