im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I am one with the molecules
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize