she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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