Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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