end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
