Im at strip club and am horny
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
