so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
