Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
why do cheetos always look like penises
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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