I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Farmville is her only friend.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You're a waste of cheezeits
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
