I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
