No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
